Letters from our Honeymoon in Brighton
by I like black stuff
Summary: Algernon, Jack, Gwendolen, and Cecily put pen to paper, each writing a letter from their honeymoon resort in Brighton. Idle gossip is worth every drop of ink, and certainly worth a few dead trees. (Takes place after the events in the play).
1. Algernon Moncrieff writing to Bunbury

May 14th

To the Esteemed Bunbury,

My sincerest apologies for not sending you an invitation. I assure you it was no coincidence that I killed you before the wedding. I simply had to rid myself of you in a hurry. If it's of any consolation, my dear fictitious brother, I did go into mourning. I think last Tuesday's three-piece suit was supposed to be black, until I opted for nice banana yellow instead. It is simply too lovely outside to wear such dark colours. I hope you'll understand.

I don't know how to tell you this, Bunbury, but your attempt at life was dismal. This is of utmost concern to me and so I have taken it upon myself to live for the both of us. Cecily makes an excellent partner and only amplifies my feelings of happiness. There is the off chance I remember that she is my lawful wife now and again, but I do an effective job of forgetting about that. Even as I write about it, the whole ordeal seems more like a business negotiation to me.

I do enjoy quality time with sweet Cecily, to a point. Excessive talking feels far to formal for me at which point I excuse myself to pursue other endeavours. Cecily never inquires about what I do; I think she rather enjoys writing about them instead. When I do return to her, she has finished writing. I take great pleasure in being reminded of what I have done, as Cecily's version is always more fascinating. Besides, I have such tremendous fun when I am away that I often forget to remember the details. It's also quite pointless to feel any amount of remorse for this. All husbands lead double lives, anyway.

The clearest memory in my mind is the time I apparently went along with Jack to acquaint ourselves with the ladies of Brighton. By the afternoon, we had personalized revelations that we really only required the love of our wives. Cecily then told me she wouldn't mind me having an affair, provided she was properly introduced to the woman. At that moment I told her how perfectly thoughtful she was. I hadn't actually been considering an affair yet, but having your wife support you no matter which path you take is truly a blessing.

If marriage is primarily the task of staying alive long enough to die with someone, then I can give you a firm report that I am doing a smashing job of staying alive. It is my humble duty to you, Bunbury, to keep you informed. I speak for the both of us when I ay that even in death we are not likely to part.

With affection as predictable as life,

Algernon Moncrieff


	2. Jack Worthing writing to Merriman

May 7th

Dear Merriman,

You'll be pleased to learn our honeymoon is going well. So well, in fact, it's inevitable that a tragedy should befall us. But we have no reason to worry. Gwendolen and I are perfectly comfortable in Brighton. Algernon and Cecily have a separate suite to house their union, however, that hasn't kept them form using the cottage in its entirety. Gwendolen keeps her dresses neatly tucked into the wardrobe; little Cecily's diaries can be seen arrogantly stewn across numerous flat surfaces. But I assure you this is a small and single matter, easily ignored by repressing it deep inside me. Besides, telling the truth to Cecily about her tidiness would not be suitable, as she is too refined a girl to be nagged.

I have certainly spent too much time talking about myself. You must be eager to hear how Algernon is doing with his new, very young bride. They see perfectly infatuated with one another and Gwendolen and I couldn't be happier. Cecily, barely finished with her formal education, is lucky to have found someone who can cater to her every whim like dear old Algernon. I couldn't possibly imagine the disastrous results of Cecily marrying someone her own age.

As for my lovely wife, I fear she reminds me more and more of her mother every day. Of course, it is wonderful to see Gwendolen becoming such a distinguished woman. Lady Bracknell has so much wisdom ad intelligence that it comes out in lines on her face. Gwendolen, however, is a woman I can have the deepest and most profound conversations with - none in particular come to mind - and not see them manifested in crow's feet. I am truly lucky.

All in all, it is an honour to spend such quality time with the people who mean the most to me.

Sincerely,

Jack Worthing

P.S. Merriman, send thanks to Lady Bloxham for her kind and timely evacuation of the Belgrave Square house. Ladies of good breeding always know the appropriate time to die. Needless to say, we will not be letting it any longer. Please ensure all is ready for my dear bride and I when we return.


	3. Gwendolen Fairfax writing to Mamma

May 9th

Dearest Mamma,

Out of all the people I've ever travelled with, my husband, my best friend and my cousin are the three whose company I most enjoy. Our journey to Brighton a pure delight (if only slightly cramped) and our double honeymoon is turning out quite the same.

I find I am falling more in love with Jack every time I look at him. And we have been doing simply that: looking at each other. As you always told me, Mamma, an engagement should be kept short, lest we learn about our fiancé's true character too soon. I have concluded that this sort of character penetration is best left as late as possible, even after the wedding. In doing so, I can see Jack as superior to any man I have ever known.

You will be so pleased, Mamma, as I have heeded more of your advice. As a married couple, Jack and I avoid all intellectual pursuits to preserve our natural ignorance. Such valuable time is wasted in the pursuit of knowledge, time I've devoted to establishing our reputation among the upper-class of Brighton. If it wasn't for me, I don't see how Cecily and Algernon would ever get along in society here. It might be a short stay - a modest three weeks - but the four of us are certain to get in each other's hair eventually, and then we'll have a variety of good people with whom to spend the remainder of our time. To be perfectly honest, I can't bear to imagine what they'd do without me. It does tire me, but I am willing to make the sacrifice.

Jack is about to take me for a stroll on the boardwalk, so I must be going. One last word, Mamma; how is father doing? In any case, I pray you not tell him anything I've written here. I know how touchy he is about communication.

I do look forward to a reply from you.

With warmest regards,

Gwendolen Fairfax


	4. Cecily writing to Miss Prism

May 10th

Dear Miss Prism,

I snuck a look at Gwendolen writing one of these letters home and was inspired to create one of my own. After spending a great deal of time writing letters to Earnest, one might be convinced I'd be an expert at the craft. Unfortunately, I am only a few short sentences in and feeling this is not as exciting as I anticipated. I'd hate to waste Algernon's paper, though. He was so kind as to lend me some. I do hope he isn't expecting me to return it.

As for the two of us, our wedding went very well and we are now enjoying our honeymoon. I bought myself a beautiful wedding ring in Algernon's name. He has such wonderful taste. He is also planning on buying a necklace to match, which I don't know about yet. How romantically sinister he is, keeping secrets from me.

I don't see how Jack and Gwendolen can say they're enjoying their end of the honeymoon when Gwendolen seems more taken with the residents of Brighton than her groom. Jack seems content either way. It does upset me that they aren't as close as Algernon and I. This morning I had a bit of spare time, so I wrote about a lovely picnic the four of us had in my diary.

Speaking of which, my diary seems to be filling up at an exciting pace, mostly with various adventures Algernon has taken me on. I am very happy. Soon it will be ready for publication, which Algernon has promised to help with. He is exceedingly sweet to me.

I can write with absolute sincerity that we've grown quite comfortable around each other. Unlike when we first met, I can part from him now with ease. Sometimes this is necessary, as Algernon does become a bit of a bore, in which case I simply find a fresh page with pen in hand. It would have been in my diary, but this time my pen chose a single piece of paper instead.

I present this paper to you, Miss Prism. The reverse side is blank. You may write a letter of you own on it if you post it to me. Then I really can return Algernon's original paper to him! Perhaps he can find a better use for it?

Best wishes,

Cecily


End file.
